Like many writers – like many people – I have a cat, and she rules the house.
Today, she had to have some teeth pulled because I am the worst kitty guardian in the world and have not taken her in often enough to get her teeth cleaned. She had to have an ultrasound because she’s lost weight and I don’t know why. She does not enjoy the vet’s office for regular checkups, much less procedures where she has to get anesthetic, a catheter and a shaved belly. Since she came home, she’s gnawed at the bandage on her leg and pawed at the cabinet where I keep the cat food. She has blood on the edges of her mouth. Her left eye sags a little bit when she looks at me.
So of course, I came home and said, “I WANT TO WRITE! I AM BRILLIANT!”
Save your laughter for later. Of course, I came home, saw the blood on her mouth, burst into tears and felt like a failure at everything.
Writing is funny that way. Everything that happened today will fuel my writing at some point. Some times when I have horrible days, I can’t get to the computer fast enough. I want to pour the words on to the screen so they stop stabbing the inside of my heart. Other times, like today, I feel like I should probably never write again. I didn’t take my cat in to get her teeth cleaned every year, both because I couldn’t afford it and because I worried about the effect of the anesthesia on her increasingly littler body. Apparently, however, I made the wrong choice and now my cat is suffering for it. If I was wrong about that, how can I ever trust myself to get anything right again?
These are the thoughts that plague me, the insecurities that gnaw at my soul, that still my fingers when I approach the keyboard. These are the thoughts I have to get past to get where I want to go. How do I deal?
Only one thing to do – stop worrying about getting it right. This is the hardest thing in the world for me. I did well in school. I hate screwing up. I like being right. But writing isn’t about right or wrong. It’s about people and how we experience things. Your readers need to know that you understand what screwing up is like.
And nothing shows that like getting it wrong once in a while.
Slightly grumpy. Majorly sleepy. Still cute.
Kimberly caved and fed the cat five minutes early. It was the right choice.
Totally get that. Had days. Weeks like that as a programmer.
Glad Zoe is now OK.
Our cat Loki had to have teeth pulled, and I remember it being a nightmare. And feeling terrible that he’d probably been in dental pain for some time before they discovered the problem. So you have my sympathies. I felt like the worst person in the world, like they shouldn’t let me keep my cat (this was before there were kids, too). And as for writing, you have my sympathies there as well–wanting to get it right often paralyzes me from writing at all. I tell myself (but have yet to be convincing enough to believe) that it doesn’t have to be perfect the first time. For some reason, I expect it to spring forth whole and shining like Athena from Zeus’ brow…
Trust me Kimberly, even when we think we have done everything right, if our cat is miserable, so are we. And with you, Zoe has experienced love and security (and an internet presence!), she would not have had on her own. Coincidently, here is a resource I found just last night, that you might find comforting: http://uncertainty.club/issues/ With love…
Thank you, friends! Zoe is doing better today, and so am I. Great article, Monica – it’s going up on my Twitter and author Facebook sites!
Awww…you know I’m a cat person, even though I haven’t had a cat in a few years. I don’t think I EVER had a cat’s teeth cleaned…except once when at the vet and he/she kinda’ stripped off some yuck from the top two fangs.
The dog, who will be 11 this month, is another story. Our darling daughter would brush her teeth when she got a bath but, in her old age, Sallie isn’t having any of it. Apparently she has a couple of cavities and/or bleeds easily somewhere back there, so…who can blame her. Fortunately she can still eat seemingly without pain.
Anyway, I’m sure that you’re an awesome cat mom and have nothing to feel guilty about. So THERE! We don’t all take our animals to the vet EVERY year, esp. when we can’t afford it… been there, done, um, I mean, still there. <3
Being a pet mama has very difficult days! Be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone. Our cats had teeth cleaned one time…and teeth pulled one time, too. We all have to make tough pet decisions when it comes to money. The love runneth over, but not always the finances! Zoe is resilient and will be just fine…of course, she will NEVER let onto this fact and will instead give you the idea that she is miserable. Don’t be fooled by these brilliant drama queens!! Hope everyone is having a better day.
We always feel badly when something goes wrong with our children and pets, believing it’s our fault. My 2 1/2 year old Mal-Shi rules my house. She’s small, but she tries her best to be alpha.
Teresa