What Does She Have to Be Depressed About?
May 21st, 2016 by Kimberly
If you’ve known me for more than oh, say, fifteen minutes, you know that I’ve dealt with depression.
By nature I’m a private person, but I want people to know this about me. The sooner you know I have gone to several different therapists and take Prozac daily, the better. Nothing will change much after I tell you this. We will both just get on with our lives. But I won’t have to worry about accidentally mentioning that I have an appointment with my counselor, and if you need advice about navigating the field of clinical depression for yourself or a loved one, you know I’m a resource. Good all round.
Today, I saw a comment on Twitter about Sinead O’Connor having gone missing. She’s admitted to struggling with suicidal thoughts in the past, and the police were looking for her. Someone posted, “I hope she’s all right,” and another user came back with something to the effect of, “She’s rich. She’s famous. What does she have to be depressed about?”
As you might expect, this hit a nerve with me. I jumped into the conversation, posting, “You never, never, NEVER know what someone else is going through.”
I probably didn’t need to leap to all caps so fast. Still, when rich-famous-commentator told me I sounded as crazy as Sinead is, and that “you should go kill urself,” it took me aback.
Zero to death threat in three tweets.
Okay, it lacks the punch of a true death threat. To carry out the idea, I’d have to do all the work myself. So what do I call this, exactly? My first death suggestion? It didn’t exactly chill me to the bone – I think if Shakespeare had written, “2 b r nt 2 b” I would have taken him a lot less seriously too – but still. Not a nice thought, that someone can flippantly suggest you remove yourself from existence.
A group trying to erase the stigma around depression and other brain health issues, Mental Health Chat (@TimeToChangeJP) commented that they frequently got responses like this, and I’m not surprised. Cogent arguments against compassion are hard to come by. Even if you’re watching Sinead O’Connor through a telescope every minute and know all the intimate details of her life – and if you do, we have other problems to discuss, possibly with legal counsel present – you don’t know what’s going on in her head. Inside your brain, you get to keep secrets, even from the most determined paparazzi.
Like all grand plagues, depression is no respecter of status. It does not care how much money you have, or how many people admire you. On the contrary, like any formidable opponent, it finds ways to use your strength against you. You’ve got money? That’s all you’ve got, it will whisper. Everyone tolerates you because they want a handout. Doesn’t matter that it’s not true. Depression will say it again and again, until you start to think everyone else is lying to you.
If I had people tracking my life the way celebrities do, it might look like this:
March is premiere month! Hanging with the director of Good Grief, Brandon Green #GOODGRIEF
Right there in black and white – Kimberly and jet-setter Joule L’Adara watch their friends get married in a star-studded celebration on the Queen Mary!
What better way to unwind after all that socialization than a relaxing trip to the mountains?
You wouldn’t know I lost my grandmother. You wouldn’t see the bugs that infested my home, causing me to wake up with five new itchy bites every day. You wouldn’t have any idea how many things had gone wrong lately and how often I burst into tears. You’d just see the fun things that made for pretty pictures. I did go to a film premiere, to a wedding, and to the mountains. Those things are all true. They just aren’t the whole truth, and you won’t know that unless I choose to share it with you.
If you’ve never experienced it, you probably have trouble understanding clinical depression. A part of me wants to leave it at that. I don’t want anyone to know this feeling, this sense of bottomless desolation. Unfortunately, it’s become an epidemic. We don’t have the luxury of ignorance anymore. You need to know.
Depression is a hard disease to track, because so many incidences go untreated. One page said 10-25% of women and 5-12% of men will experience clinical depression in their lifetime. SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voices of Education) reports depression affecting 20-25% of all Americans over the age of 18. Many children are affected, too – according to webmd.com, 2.5% of children will experience significant depression, and it’s most common in boys under 10. When you get to teenager years, the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) estimates 11.4% of the population between 12-17 gets hit, and incidence is highest among girls. An Australian website estimates that 45% of their population will endure a major depressive episode. It depends on the parameters you use. The idea of depression occurring less frequently in men strikes me as highly questionable, because everyone agrees men are less likely to report it, and more likely to try to take care of it themselves with drugs or alcohol. One cold hard fact we do know: men are more likely to die by suicide than women are. Males constitute 79% of all suicides in the U.S. Women attempt it more often, but are more likely to live to talk about it. Why? Speculation is rampant. We know that gender differences in methods used play into it – women are more likely to take poison, while men typically use firearms. Poison leaves more room for error. People have theorized that men are more impulsive, or men are more likely to have access to guns, or women are more conscious of the fact that someone they love will probably find them and have to see the damage. No one really knows.
The real takeaway? People are hurting. If not you, very likely someone you know and love. Like all serious illnesses, depression leaves collateral damage. It hurts to watch a loved one turn into someone who can’t leave their bed without major effort – almost as much as enduring it yourself.
My challenges with depression started at seventeen – or were diagnosed at seventeen, at any rate. Looking back, I can see symptoms earlier than that. I can’t tell you what it looks like for everyone. Each person has their own unique experience. But maybe sharing things I’ve found will help you, so I’ll try.
- I already blamed myself. People with depression hear a lot that they need to think positive or that they just aren’t trying hard enough. Myself, I already thought everything was my fault, so you can bet my mind went straight to that conclusion with this, too. There’s a popular saying in therapy that depression is anger turned the wrong way around. People with depression often have low self-esteem to start with, so they’re used to the idea that whatever is wrong, it’s probably their own fault. Being unable to express anger at someone else, particularly someone I love, I found a way to assign myself the blame. That way, I didn’t have to get angry with them and risk them being angry back at me. As a means of problem-solving, it’s right up there with torching the inside of the house to put out the fire on the roof.
- It felt like a low-grade flu. During each episode, I felt achy and tired for months. I did all the stuff I was supposed to. I exercised more. I volunteered, to get my focus off myself. I tried to eat right. I talked to God, a lot. Getting out of bed still took every ounce of strength I had.
- Positive thinking wasn’t enough. I tried to find the upside in things, to remember that other people had it much worse, but I didn’t start to feel like I had some kind of control over my depression until I got hooked up with good therapists and eventually, Prozac. Look at it this way: positive thinking is helpful with cancer, too, but treatment usually still includes surgery and chemo. Talking to someone who will help you navigate through the ugliness in your brain is invaluable. As for the drugs, well, when research finds something better, I’ll be the first one cheering. I hate remembering to take the pills every day. But right now, Prozac helps me achieve my best health, and I’m not going to waste any more time feeling shame for that.
- I felt worthless, and it didn’t always help when people disagreed. This is a hard one to wrap your brain around, I know. I didn’t put it together myself until I read an interview with a therapist about women in abusive relationships. She pointed out that the person suffering abuse hears “You are worthless” and “You need to leave him” not as separate statements, one harmful and one encouraging, but as two people telling them what to do. For me, depression had the same effect. If I said I felt worthless and someone said, “No, you’re not,” I didn’t hear support. I heard that even my feelings were wrong. Much more effective was when someone sat with me and said, “Sometimes I feel that way, too,” and talked about their own experiences. I admit, I don’t always get this right when I deal with other people’s depression. That impulse to slap sense into them is so strong, sometimes it’s over-powering. And opening up about your own weaknesses is scary. Will I be strong enough? Will I end up on the floor weeping with them?
People with depression are not weak. They are often some of the strongest people you will ever meet. Let’s change the conversation around depression. Out with the stigma. Enough with the shame. No more blame. We can win the fight against depression, but only if we take the fight out into the open.
Kimberly writes novels, practices yoga and is a professional-grade cat snuggler. Depression has affected her, but it will never define her.
Thank you so much for posting this! You’re so right.
And some of these statistics remind me of the post I wrote earlier today about the fundamental lies of our culture. If we accept those lies exist, then is it any wonder there’s such a high percentage of depression among boys under 10 (before they have the easy/institutional opportunity to explore extra-curriculars outside of sports) and among girls in their teens (when they’re at the prime marketing-target age for images of women in the media but their emotional brains are not yet developed enough to understand that the normal lanky gangliness and acne of puberty are not how they will always look)?
Good points there, Angelique. How do you remind yourself that depression is lying to you when all of society is backing it up? We need to allow people to be their best selves, whatever that is, and to feel good about it.
Oh, my favorite is the: “You just need to choose to be happy!” Uh, yeah. If it were that easy, I think we’d all do it, asshat. But thanks for making me angry because at least when I’m angry for a few moments I’m not soul-crushingly sad.
Thinking is only part of it. A lot of it is chemical. It surprises me how few people seem to know this. If I went to a bar and ordered a drink and it wasn’t mixed correctly, having someone tell me to just learn to like the taste isn’t helpful. That’s what the medications are for: to make sure your brain cocktail is mixed properly. Makes for a much better day.
I heard that a lot, too, Manda. Yuck. It’s like choosing not to be nauseous when you have the flu. Most of us would prefer it that way, but it’s not that simple.
For me, the depression is definitely chemical. An event or circumstance may start me on the downward spiral, but there’s definitely a component of brain that takes the down moments and runs with them. That’s why it helped to have therapy and medication. Research shows they help different parts of the brain, and working together, they have the best results longterm. Different for some other people, I know, but that definitely proved true for me.
Thank you Kimberly,
As the mother of 3 teenagers, it is really important that I know and remember what you have shared today. Just the other night I found myself yelling out of frustration at my daughter who was wallowing in what I viewed as fixable situations, and she wasn’t willing to do anything about what was bothering her. After walking away for a minute, I remembered that I know my daughter, and through all of her “whining” what she really needed was her mommy to just hug her for awhile. It worked, and the next day we got together to tackle some of the things that were bothering her.
What a great story, Monica! Thank you for sharing it. I’m so glad your daughter has you there for support, and to help her when she’s ready to work on the problem.
Wonderful post. So many people who have not experienced depression are so flippant about it. Quick to dismiss and give awful, hurtful comments. The “Just go kill yourself” response is all too common on the Internet these days. It is far easier to be an Asshole than to be supportive. Assholes seem to have the best support group of any demographic getting LOTS of positive feedback from other Assholes.
Chronic Pain is another issue that is quickly dismissed by the average person. The most common responses are “Buck up”, “Just deal with it”, “Grow a pair”… Being in constant pain saps your will, your mental and physical strength often feeding depression.
It would be great if people could be nicer to each other. I think those that are get easily drowned out by the Assholes since Assholes tend to be very loud craving the attention for being Assholes. They need therapy too but enjoy crushing other people too much to realize they have a problem that needs professional help.
When “Christians” are OK with with not taking care of others, not accepting others for who and what they are while being steadfast in their belief those people deserve to suffer for whatever reasons points to an underlying problem with Humanity. Or the lack thereof. The Christians I know do not hold those beliefs so I know there are many good people out there. They just aren’t the ones getting the press.
Nice reading this. I had a bunch of hurdles I always blamed my depression on. Somewhere around 30 years old, I jumped over them and still didn’t feel right. So I was treated for depression. Lexapro is my good friend. He acts as my guardian who helps me decide if I want to jump into the pit of despair and he helps weed my garden of appreciation. To the comment about “choosing” to be happy– to me, it’s true– but without the medication– I rarely had the choice. I KNOW I would have been part of the suicide statistics without medication.
Dom– and chronic pain– I never thought aBout it. To me, chronic pain is an old person problem or someone trying to work the system. Thank you for putting this in perspective.
And Kim, thank you for writing another intriguing piece.
As usual, your talent and empathy shine in this post. My experiences with depression have been debilitating though thankfully, not common. What infuriates me is that because USUALLY I am positive and energetic and expend a great deal of energy supporting friends when I am hurting or have fallen down an emotional well the same people I helped do not lower a friendship lifeline. They think I don’t need the help or they’re still too mired in their own struggles (which I get). They think I’ll be fine. Well, I likely will be, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be better for their love, their patience, and understanding. Depression doesn’t have a type or a profile. It’s like the dementors in Harry Potter (which incidentally Rowling based on depression), it can suck the soul from anyone.
Great piece.
Dom, I mentioned that to a friend just the other day that I think people with chronic pain have a similar circumstance. One friend has fibromyalgia, and if people see her on a good day, they say, “Oh, see, she’s not really sick.” The pain comes and it goes. They don’t see her on the bad days. With both depression and chronic pain, the fact that you had a good day doesn’t mean that everything is okay now.
Be nicer to each other. What a wonderful, simple solution, and what a hard time we have following it.
Mark Anthony, that is so well put. Happiness is a choice under normal circumstances, but depression takes away the option, leaving you only misery or no feeling at all. Days when you work your way up to fair-to-middling are wonderful and rare.
I’m so glad we both found the right path, so that we can be here talking about this now.
Erika, I think you raise a really important point. We put people in boxes – “Oh, she’s sensitive, we have to take care of her,” or “oh, she’s fine, we don’t have to worry about her.” Life isn’t as simple as that. We all have our times of weakness, and we need support from the people we love. To think anyone can be strong all the time is a fundamental misunderstanding of human nature. Hugs to you.
Well, I just wanted to say that I wonder if I’ll ever get suicidal. It’s because I have some things that really get me down. And if everyone gets angry, then I really get Driven- I’d imagine it’s like that. But really, I think that it’s too bad that people can’t FIND someone when they need it. I think we should have MENTAL ILLNESS TV. And I think that there should be a business to deal with all the problems, without blaming or making you feel bad. Is that unreasonable?
I think that business would be the world of therapy. If you find the right counselor, they really do help you with all the problems without making you feel bad. They just help you listen to yourself.
Such a well-written perspective, Kimberly. I share your experience. Careers do not cure depression. Wonderful marriages can’t do it, either. Financial security won’t make it go away. And my 1K friends on Facebook, all of whom I know, can’t help by saying “the right thing.” Your comment above that “happiness is a choice that depression takes away” is spot on as well. Thanks for opening up. It gives the rest of us permission to do the same.
Beautiful points, Kevin. Nobody can love you well enough to take it away on their own. No success is fulfilling and lasting enough. We have resources to help, but the work of battling depression is still hard. By coming out into the open, we can at least make it not so lonely.
Wonderful post, Kimberly. I’m here from IWSG and glad I stopped by. I do a lot of post about depression and sadness, and I’m always eager to learn from others’ experiences. Thank you for this.
Thank you, Joylene! I think a lot of us who write have challenges with depression and sadness. Literature – reading it and writing it – can be a vital part of the treatment. I look forward to checking out your posts!
thank you for being so honest and sharing. It is good to know that one is not alone. x
Depression tells us many lies, but the worst has to be that we are alone. Thank you for reading. x
🙂 xx
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