Rules of Judgment
Jun 1st, 2014 by Kimberly
Last week I posted a blog about the feminine side of God, inspired by all the terror against women in the headlines. Okay, inspired by Erika Gardner’s blog on that, but you get the point. It appears a bunch of other people couldn’t stop talking about it, either, and they congregated on Twitter. The hashtag #Yesallwomen sprang up, as a response to the statement, “Not all men are like that.” No, they aren’t, but all women deal with fear of violence and harassment.
Think about that for a second. I can only offer anecdotal evidence, but the discussions I’ve had with friends, acquaintances and co-workers back that statement up. Get women talking and the stories come out. The family friend that felt her up, the boss that grabbed her butt, the date that decided “no” had a different meaning if you had a drink first.
I could go on, but you probably don’t want me to. The stories get more depressing from there.
Some men used the hashtag to accuse women of exaggerating the problem. Most guys weren’t like that. It didn’t surprise me. I read that Sigmund Freud came up with his theory of women being in love with their fathers because he couldn’t believe all the stories women told him about being molested as children. Social worker Florence Rush postulated that he assumed they must have made the stories up out of some kind of twisted wish fulfillment. The world has a long and dedicated tradition of not believing women.
Guys, on behalf of all womankind, let me throw you a bone here. We know lots of you aren’t like that. Unfortunately, from our perspective outside your head, it’s hard to know which ones are the problem.
Recently, I went to a baseball game with some friends. One of them was really more of a “friend-in-law,” to use my friend Diana’s favorite term. I’d had dinner with him twice, but always in the company of other people. (Well, except for those two minutes when our dining companions both went to the bathroom, but I don’t think that counts.)
I invited Scott to the baseball game for purely selfish reasons: he offered to go to a Giants/Dodgers game at Dodgers Stadium and root for the Giants. I’m a San Francisco Giants fan. People who don’t hate the Giants are a little thin on the ground here in L.A. The other two friends going to the game – diehard Dodger fans – lived north of the stadium, but Scott hails my side of town, sort of. Thinking green as I try to do, I immediately brought up carpooling.
It wasn’t until long after the game was over, when all these violent news stories came up, that it occurred to me to wonder how I knew riding in a car alone with Scott would be okay.
Logically, he had a lot of points in his favor. I’d been in the same dinner party with him twice, and he’d never treated me with anything but respect. He has a good pedigree – he’s a dear friend of one of my girlfriends, and I trust her judgment. He can write emails in complete sentences with no misspelled words, using proper grammar. (This is important to me.)
But here’s the thing. None of those things – not even the combination of all of them – not even good grammar – guarantees that you can get in a car with someone and get safely out again. I’m a tall woman and certainly not waif skinny, but Scott works out a lot more than I do and has the Y-chromosome edge in upper body strength. I don’t begrudge him that. Probably, I sing better than he does. We all have our thing. Nonetheless, if he’d decided to while away an afternoon by stuffing me in the trunk, I have no doubt he could’ve gotten the job done. (Not without a few scars on his face, but still.) At some point, it comes down to a gut check. My instincts told me this was a good guy and all would be well, and they were right.
This is a routine decision, and every woman in the world makes a similar one every day, at least once. We are schooled from a very young age to realize that danger lurks around every corner, from that car that made the same two turns we did to the lone guy in the elevator we almost stepped into. Walk with purpose, carry your car keys like a weapon, and don’t make eye contact. If something bad happens, people will pity you, but they’ll also ask why you didn’t do more to prevent it.
If any guys actually read this far, please don’t feel attacked. You’re probably one of the good ones, and we love you for that. Just realize that these decisions aren’t faced only by women you’re trying to sleep with. Your daughters, nieces, granddaughters, and best friends’ little girls are going to have to make the same ones, unless we find a way to change the culture we live in.
No, not all men are like that, but if any exceptions exist to #Yesallwomen, I haven’t met them.
Kimberly will be watching out for your daughters, nieces, granddaughters and best friends’ little girls. She promises.
It’s amazing- here I am well-educated, reasonably self-confident, usually able to take care of myself, but the other day Eric asked me to pick something up for him he’d found on Craig’s List. I had to go to the guy’s house to pay for it and pick it up. It was the middle of the day, there were people about in his neighborhood and, yet, when he invited me in– I didn’t go. Probably doing him a disservice, but he was taller & heavier than me and I didn’t know the area. Also, I could tell he thought I was attractive, that made it worse. Chances are, he wasn’t “like that,” but once the door was closed, my options would have been limited. So I stood outside (and not on the porch, a few feet down from the steps) and waited. I think I hurt his feelings a little bit.
But, who wants to chance it?
You were absolutely right, Erika. It wasn’t worth it. One of the biggest things that puts women in harm’s way is our tendency not to want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Women need to do exactly what you did and become okay with saying, “I’m sorry, but your hurt feelings are not worth jeopardizing my safety.”