You Said That. You Really Said That.
Jun 10th, 2013 by Kimberly
When I was a teenager, I read Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior from cover to cover. No, there was not a gun to my head. I enjoyed Judith Martin’s clever writing, and I’ve always loved being right. It was a natural fit.
Her advice has served me well. Start with the outside silverware and work your way in. Send thank-you notes. Visit people in the hospital, but stay no longer than twenty minutes. (Leeway allowed only for those who have legal guardianship.) For the most part, her wisdom could be boiled down to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Some advice never stops working.
At a birthday dinner the other night, however, my friends and I came up with some situations that would stymie even the marvelous Miss M. You know, the times that your boss chastises you for taking eight and a half sick days through the course of the year, saying that you need to toughen up – after she herself took six weeks off to recover from a face-lift.
I have no words.
I ask you, dear readers: how would you respond?
The Golden Rule is hard to apply here. Hypothetically, if I say something that degrades another person, I would want to be gently called on it. However, after I realize that I’ve said something that inane, I will probably put my head in the oven and turn up the gas, so how we interact on future occasions is a moot point.
Sometimes in life, however, we must reply to statements that are incredibly stupid with answers that are not. I’m a writer. I can think up clever retorts to situations I’ve created, as long as I have several uninterrupted hours at my disposal, a purring cat and a supply of tasty snacks. (Okay, strictly speaking the snacks are optional, but let’s not risk it.) In the millisecond I have after hearing absurdity tumble out of someone’s mouth, I find myself at a total loss. Fortunately, however, I do have a pretty good memory, so I’m asking for your help. Given the following scenarios, what would you do?
(Note: All of the following have actually happened. Names have been changed to prevent charges of libel and only #3 actually happened to me, but yes, situations this idiotic have occurred. Not even in a parallel universe. In this one.)
- You receive two emails on your birthday from the same person. The first is a pleasant wish for a happy birthday. The second says, “I forgot to pay my internet bill. Please make a paypal donation to keep my account from being closed. Immediately.” No, you aren’t related to this person. You don’t even know them particularly well.
- Your spouse recently passed away. When you pull yourself together enough to come to a work meeting, you make a general announcement thanking everyone for their kindness, and acknowledge three co-workers by name who brought your family meals and came to the funeral. The office manager treats you with open hostility afterwards. You learn that she’s angry because you didn’t publicly thank her for helping you in your time of need. Her total contribution was a condolence card.
- You’ve been set up on a date. Your would-be beloved says he will call you the following afternoon when you get home from work. You arrive home at 4:00 as promised, but your phone does not ring for the rest of the evening. The following afternoon, you come home to find a semi-apologetic message, saying that he couldn’t call you because he got stuck at the grocery store.
Your thoughts? (Honesty is not necessary. In such situations, sometimes one must resort to a graceful lie.)
(Jeopardy music plays here.)
I hope the comments section will pile up with witty retorts, so that I can prepare myself for these annoyances. Just for the record, however, here were the responses actually given:
Ans 1: As this was email, my friend had time to reply, and was still pondering her options. The current favorite is, “Don’t worry, all you have to do is call the company and ask for an extension. Good luck!”
Ans 2: Sherry, the one who lost her husband to cancer at the ripe old age of 41, decided to go the diplomatic route. She left a single rose on the office manager’s desk with a card that said, “Sometime gratitude can’t be expressed in words.” I wanted to believe that the office manager’s frostiness had a different cause, but there is no denying she was sweet as a Krispy Kreme donut to Sherry after that.
Ans 3: My clever response was silence. Seriously, if you’re going to lie to me, come up with something better than the grocery store. At least tell me you were held up at gunpoint by a rabid bag boy.
I am fond of saying that it takes a village to raise a Kimberly. With a little help from all of you, I can meet these situations with grace, and refrain from smacking people upside the head, even when they really deserve it.
At the very least, I can reply with something snappy.
GO!
Kimberly is trying to figure out how to respond to her face-lifted boss. It’s been decades and she’s still coming up empty.
Can you tell me that I don’t know the culprit in #3… please???
One time I was stood up for a date. When he called a few days later, he said he was sorry but he was in jail. So, either you’re a liar who I won’t go out with, or you’re a criminal I won’t go out with. Really?
I think you and your friends have given the best responses to each — and I would have only been able to match the graciousness of #3 at most.
I did find myself in an awkward moment the other day when I was socializing with two people: someone I knew and someone I didn’t. The woman I didn’t know and I were both trying to think of the name of an actor, or a movie — something on the tip of our tongues. She looked at our mutual friend and pointed to her head and said, “Brain cancer,” and laughed. Without thinking, I said, “I know, me, too.” Then our mutual friend shot me a somewhat serious, slightly awkward look, then looked at her just before they both laughed out loud. The woman looked at me and said, “No, I REALLY had brain cancer.”
Now I’ve been mortified enough times in my life to be able to quickly go to poker face in the most awkward of moments. I’ve learned that if I am excessively apologetic or embarrassed, it will only make the other person feel worse. After all, she joked about it first. Of course I said that I was so sorry for saying that. They each had their version of, “How would you know?” I said, “I wouldn’t, but I love the fact that you have a sense of humor about it.” Then we talked about her experience with brain cancer. I went out of my way to make sure my concern for her registered. It was genuine, but on the inside I’m thinking the whole time, “Maybe not joke about that one again?”
In the vein of this blog, Kimberly, I’d love for you to explore how you get yourself out of a really awkward moment that you’ve inadvertently stepped into.
Oh, I do love you all.
Karen, you have officially topped me for Best Stood-Up Story Ever.
Erika, no worries. You never met him. I only met him once, and time has mercifully erased his name. I expect he’s started his own reality TV show – “When Grocery Stores Attack.”
Kevin, that is a fabulous topic for my next blog! I’ll give it serious thought.
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