Opinionatedly Speaking
Dec 15th, 2011 by Kimberly
Stress. Irritation. Annoyance. These are a few of my least favorite things, and yet this week they won’t seem to go away. My co-workers and I have gone through some craziness lately, but if I start talking about that, I will bore all of you senseless, so I’m going to do the smart thing and not bring it up. However, I still have this overwhelming need to rant. What, I wondered, should I harangue about instead?
Inspiration came from Shine.com. An article called “The Year in Bans” showed up on my browser, listing things that various authorities decided to ban in 2011. They ranged, as usual, from the sensible to the stupid.
Banning baggy jeans? Go for it. Primarily because I think they look stupid, but they’re also a health hazard. I imagine many a teenage boy ended up in the emergency room last year, having fallen on his face because he accidentally stepped on the crotch of his jeans.
Banning pictures of Elton John and David Furnish with their new baby on the front of Us Magazine? Get a grip. How exactly is that “not safe for shoppers”? Yes, they are two gay men who’ve decided to raise a child, and the good grocery store patrons of Arkansas don’t have to like that if they don’t want to. I won’t make them. But a picture of two men smiling while one holds an infant is not troubling, in and of itself. They aren’t making out. They aren’t even holding hands. There’s nothing about the cover – or, as far as I know, any of the pictures inside – that will make for an embarrassing conversation with your five-year-old. Except, of course, the whole “Where do babies come from?” thing, but you knew that would come up sooner or later, so you really can’t blame Elton if you didn’t prepare yourself ahead of time.
Having a gotten a good start with the opinions of others, I decided to continue. I hear about new rules to follow everyday, but no one ever asks my opinion of them. (You didn’t either, but it’s too late now.) Owing, I believe, to this oversight, some of the dumbest things in the world are set in stone, diminishing the effectiveness of the truly important ones. So, here are my lists of both rules to follow and rules to break – for 2011. By 2012, I’m sure I’ll have new ones.
Rules to follow:
1. Quit talking on your cell phone while you drive. Seriously, people. Hands free or not, I don’t care. I can hear choruses of people telling me, “It’s not a problem, I can drive while I talk on the phone.” Do me a favor, though, and try a different question. Instead of “Is my driving impaired by talking on my cell?”, ask yourself this: “Do I want any driver talking to anyone, even the person sitting next to him, when he’s within 50 feet of the intersection where my 8-year-old is crossing the street?” Pretty sure the answer is no.
2. Put your seat belt on. Another no-brainer. I’ve known people who wouldn’t let their kids ride anywhere without the proper car seat, but think that they’re okay without a restraint because the car has airbags. No, nein, nyet. (Things sound so much more definite in Russian.) Believe it or not, if the car stops abruptly and you are not wearing a safety belt, you will go “splat,” even if the car has an airbag. They’ve done studies about this. You don’t have to trust me, you can check with the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.
3. Think before you speak. So simple. So seldom followed. Sigh.
Honorable mention: Don’t marry a teenager. It was a bad idea when Jerry Lee Lewis did it in May 1958. It didn’t get any less creepy when Doug Hutchison did it in May of this year. Even if you are a teenager yourself, it’s still a bad idea.
Rules to break:
1. Don’t eat cookie dough. Oh, please. I know exactly one person who’s gotten sick eating cookie dough, and that only happened because she ate the whole batch. (Names omitted to protect my butt from getting kicked.) In addition to this, a family friend used to inspect eggs for the USDA Food Safety & Inspection Service. From what she told me, you have about as much chance of getting sick from a raw egg as from a raw carrot. (If you use eggs that are past their expiration date, that’s another thing altogether, but most places now stamp the date on each egg. You should have no problem telling whether your egg is okay or not.) The chance to eat cookie dough was my primary reason for learning to make cookies in the first place.
2. Don’t allow pets to sleep on your bed. I read it in the article, “Sleeping with the Enemy: What You Get from Your Pet.” It turned up on wired.com, of all places. The piece quotes a study by UC Davis professor Bruno Chomel, listing all sorts of horrible diseases you may contract from allowing your pet on your bed – for example, rabies. Hi. If your dog has rabies and you haven’t done anything to treat it, you deserve to get rabies. I can tell you from experience, a cat sleeping on your bed may give you leg cramps, because the furry creatures have an innate ability to position themselves right where it will be the most inconvenient for you, but that’s usually the worst of it. Interestingly, the wired.com article was much more alarmist in tone than the summary on the UC Davis website, which points out that the risk can be reduced by keeping your pet healthy. Maybe the real lesson here is, don’t get your medical advice from a magazine about computer technology.
3. Don’t wear running shoes with jeans. Frankly, this rule could probably be swapped out with most any fashion cliché. You know what? When it comes to clothes, if I feel okay with it, the rest of the world can put up with it. Clothes are meant to make you feel good about yourself. If the outfit makes you feel attractive, it’s good. (Of course, if you insist on asking someone else’s opinion about your apparel, you’re on your own.)
There you have it, rules to live by and rules to laugh at. I feel better now, having ranted about something. I can probably make it through another day without smacking anyone in the office.
…Probably.
Kimberly wears running shoes with jeans at least three days a week, usually more. Somewhere out there, she’s irritating the life out of some young fashionista, and she kind of enjoys that.
Great list – I’m with you about the cookie dough. If my grandma said it was ok, I listen! As for the shoes, maybe if they made some women’s shoes that were as comfortable as wearing sneakers than we wouldn’t have to break this rule so often. At least you have jeans on and aren’t spending your day in workout gear…not that I do this either:-) Hope your work gets better!
Right, clearly cookie dough stays. I mean please, it’s even it’s own ice cream flavor!
I hate when I spot type-o’s just AFTER I’ve hit “submit comment”. UGH! That would be “its” and there should be a comma after “mean”. Okay, I feel a littler better now.
Proofread… and… we’re good.
It’s okay, Erika. Trust me, I understand how a passionate defense of cookie dough can disrupt the typing process.