Kimberly Emerson

Last week’s blog topic was serious and depressing.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve had a big helping of serious and depressing lately, so this week we’re going light and fluffy.  No more steak and potatoes.  Bring on the mousse and angel food cake.

Great.  Now I want a snack.

Okay, now that I’ve eaten, I’m back and ready to talk.  Feel free to get yourself a snack, too – the column will still be here when you get back, barring any internet disasters – because we’re going to talk food.  In my search for a topic so shallow even reality TV won’t touch it, I found a web column on table manners.  Specifically, “11 Table Manners That Still Matter,” an article from a section of Yahoo.com called Shine.

Here, I thought, is a chance for some good fluffy talk that is still important.  True, someone classifying your meal etiquette as “icky” isn’t a exactly a fate worse than death, but table manners make life a better place.  I absolutely believe that.  A guy who chews with his mouth open on a first date with me can chalk off any chance at Date #2.  Plus, a good dinner is one of my great joys in life, so if you do something that puts me off my fettuccine, I may have to hurt you.  See? Lives hang in the balance.

Imagine my disappointment, then, when I read rule #1:

If you are the recipient of a toast, keep your glass at arm’s length—never drink from it. Instead, simply nod your head and graciously say, “Thank you.”

Seriously?  The person who’s being wished well (one certainly hopes) isn’t allowed to have some of the presumably yummy beverage being used to honor her?  This is someone’s idea of a behavior that matters?  I mean, that’s what they said in the title, right?  “Table manners that still matter.”  A quick poll here – how many of you have ever toasted someone, watched her drink her champagne/sparkling cider/vodka straight up and thought to yourself, She actually drank something after I toasted her?  I am so out of here.  Honestly, watching someone be cheered and then stand there not drinking anything would make me wonder if she knew something I didn’t about the bartender.

Clearly, our world has been let down when it comes to culinary etiquette, so I have decided to take pen in hand (well, computer keys in fingertips) and fix the problem.

Here you have it: Kimberly’s responses to “11 Table Manners That Still Matter” (or don’t).  Since we’ve covered my thoughts on rule #1 (for pity’s sake, drink up) I will start with #2.

Shine:   Never take your cocktail to the dinner table.
Kimberly:   If you paid $14.00 for that martini, take it anywhere you want.  Okay, avoid the restroom (gross) and the car (jail is not nice this time of year), but do not leave $7.00 of it sitting on a bar table if you are actually enjoying it.  My best friend waits tables and she assures me this does not get you out of leaving a tip.

Shine:   Allow your food to cool on its own – never blow on anything. 
Kimberly:   If your food is too hot, blowing on it may not do a whole lot of good, but if you want to try it, go ahead.  Now, if you simultaneously, inadvertently blow in the ear of the person next to you, to whom you were not particularly attracted, that’s another story.  I advise thinking up a cover line ahead of time – “Did you feel a breeze, too?  I think there’s a window open somewhere” will probably do the trick.

Shine:   If you wear lipstick, keep it off your plate and napkin by blotting it as soon as you apply it.
Kimberly:   If you wear lipstick, I have no idea how you were planning to get it on your plate unless you felt moved to kiss the entrée.  (Word to the wise: kissing your food is considered bad form in most countries.  Kissing your waitstaff is also considered bad form except, I think, in Italy.  I’ve never been, but they seem like the sort of country that would understand food-inspired affection.)  If you bring your napkin anywhere near your face, your lipstick is going to adhere to it no matter how much blotting you do ahead of time.  Same goes for your wine glass.  Lipstick is mischievous that way.  My advice?  If you know you’re going to eat, don’t bother with lipstick.  It’s all going to be rubbed off by the time you finish the meal, so you’re going to have to reapply it afterwards anyway.  If it’s a first date and you will feel absolutely naked without it, well, pray that your date doesn’t mind lipstick residue or resign yourself to going hungry.

Shine:   Your napkin is there for you to dab your mouth only.  Do not use it to wipe off lipstick or (God forbid) blow your nose.
Kimberly:   Your napkin really needs to get over its aversion to lipstick, since it doesn’t have a prayer of remaining lipstick-free anyway (see rule above).  When it comes to blowing your nose, well, if you need to blow your nose in a hurry, most of your fellow diners would rather you blew your nose in the napkin than on the rest of us.  It is only fair, though, to warn the waiter what you’ve done with the napkin before he takes your plate.  If he stares at you in repulsion, you still have to tip him.  He’s only human, and having to deal with your used napkin is a little gross.

Shine:   Keep your elbows off the table.
Kimberly:   Elbows pose two dangers at mealtime: 1) to your sleeve, which might get food on it, and 2) to your neighbor, who might get your elbow in the face.  Making sure to steer clear of these two threats, you can do whatever you want with your own elbows.  If someone looks at you from across the table and says “Elbows, dear,” and makes a little waving motion at you, you can feel free to put them in the rest home of your choice.  Anyone who wants to act like your mother may as well play the whole part.

Shine:   Don’t put your purse, keys, sunglasses or eyeglasses on the table.
Kimberly:    I’ve come to the conclusion that most restaurants do not realize that women carry purses.  A select few have hooks under the bar, if you happen to be sitting there to eat, but most tables are ill-equipped to handle the phenomenon.  Since virtually every female in America over the age of twelve carries a bag of some kind, I can’t quite figure out why restaurants have not devised somewhere to put them other than the floor, but there you have it.  Usually you don’t want to put it on the table because there isn’t room.  I’ve been known to stow mine in my lap, lacking another alternative, but that does make eating awkward.  You might sling it over the back of your chair, provided you’re patronizing an establishment that places their tables further than six inches apart.  For anything smaller than a purse, put it on the table if you want.  Presumably you would put your keys in your pocket if you had a pocket.  If you just have your sunglasses and your car keys, I would love to know what exactly Shine would rather you did with them.  Put them on the floor and wait for the crunching sound, perhaps?

Shine:   Take food out of your mouth the way it went in.  If a piece of steak fat went into your mouth with a fork, spit it out onto the fork.
Kimberly:   If you put food in your mouth, try to leave it there.  I think I can say on behalf of the entire dining public that we really don’t want to see your already-been-chewed food reappear, and your odds of actually spitting something onto your fork and balancing it there until you find a way to dispose of it are slim.  However, if there is something of which you absolutely must rid yourself, spit it into your napkin.  Fold the napkin over the offending item.  If the waiter doesn’t like finding the little regurgitated present, then he can talk to the chef about trimming the meat more closely in the future.

Shine:  Remove an olive pit from your mouth with your thumb and forefinger.
Kimberly:   …Or you could spit it for distance across the room.  Your host will quickly learn to serve olives pre-pitted.

Shine:   Taste everything on your plate before you add salt or pepper.
Kimberly:   Did the cost of condiments go up while I wasn’t looking?  Add salt or pepper if you feel like it.  It’s probably a good idea to taste things first, to make sure you really want anything extra, but any host that will actually get offended with you for automatically adding pepper to your mashed potatoes probably isn’t worth visiting a second time anyway.  Do taste your food before you add saffron, though.  That stuff really is pricey.

Shine:   Leave your plate where it is when you are finished with your meal – don’t push it away from you.
Kimberly:   Pushing your plate an inch or two away from you to demonstrate (probably mostly to yourself, anyway) that you are done with the meal is fine.  Picking up the plate and throwing it across the room is not – unless of course you are in certain areas of Greece, where I think it’s actually encouraged.  Play it by ear.

Kimberly is relieved to hear that someone felt the need to write a column prohibiting elbows on the table.  Last week she was convinced that the world had lost all sense of decency.  If this is actually someone’s biggest concern, we must be further away from wrack and ruin than she figured...or closer, now that she thinks about it.

Tags: etiquette, food, Greece, Italy, lipstick, Shine, table manners