Kimberly Emerson

Let this ring out loud and clear for politicians everywhere to hear:

Enough with the sex scandals.  I am tired of hearing the details of your carnal activities.  I do not care which gender of person happens to attract you.  Almost- to stark-naked pictures of you do nothing for me.  I feel bad for the people to whom you are already married, since nearly all of you who go into politics feel the need to drag someone else down with you.  But to spend any time hearing about the incident itself, to say nothing of your apologies and excuses for it, is just a waste of some of the already limited hours of my day.  Put your clothes on and get back to work.

Now, I know these words are pointless.  Telling a politician not to create scandal is about as effective as asking my cat to befriend rodents.  Both may appear to listen to you, but the next time they see a tail, they’re still going to chase it.

Why do they do this, we all wonder?  Each salacious tale ends the same way – the politician standing in front of a microphone, telling us all how very sorry he is, how he has betrayed the trust that the public bestowed on him when it voted him into office, how he has shamed his family, perhaps even how he has sinned before God.  (I try to avoid using the male pronoun to make generalities, but at least in this case, it does usually seem to be male politicians.  Once women in Congress match the numbers of men, I’m – sadly – sure the sex scandals will even out as well.)  We see the detritus all around the podium – the career ruined, the reputation destroyed, and the wife humiliated, live or in absentia.  Don’t they understand that it will work out this way?  Many people argue that politicians acquire some kind of god complex upon the moment of being elected.  They think they are above everyone and everything, safely beyond consequences.  They just assume that they will never get caught.

Lately, however, another possibility has occurred to me.  What if, deep down, they want to get caught?  No, I’m not saying that subconsciously they feel bad and seek to be punished.  But they can’t all be completely blind to the rise and fall of their forebearers.  (Spellcheck does not like how I write that word.  Perhaps it is right – fore”barers” might be more appropriate, in this case.)  At least some of them have to know that they will get caught, especially in this, the age of camera phones and youtube.  One would think that the very ambition to keep their office, the fuel which enables them to go so many miles on the campaign trail, would stop them from such fleeting indiscretions.

The problem is, these scandals may cost a politician dearly in every other way, but they give him attention.  The spotlight is a precious commodity, and elected officials seek it at every turn.  They have to.  You don’t get elected if no one knows your name.  If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t like the limelight, you don’t run for office.  You may manage someone’s campaign, or write their speeches, but you don’t put your name on the ballot.  Like all addictions, however, the more that craving gets fed, the more it wants.

Think about it.  People across the country may be making fun of Congressman Anthony Weiner right now, but they all know who he is.  How many of them did last month?

Yes, his career is probably over, but his notoriety is just beginning.  Even those of us who’ve never been to New York learned all about Eliot Spitzer’s preferences in prostitutes.  We’ll probably get pictures of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child updated every year at Christmas, like we do of our nieces and nephews.  When John Edwards had to fess up about his extra-marital activities, we heard comparisons to Gary Hart.  It’s been twenty-five years since Gary fooled around with Donna Rice on the Monkey Business, but all of us who were old enough to read at the time still understood the reference.

So, realizing that politicians have zero incentive to stop messing up, what are the rest of us to do?  I say, we put a higher price on the commodity that is our attention.  Ethical behavior may be too much to ask, but a good story is not.   From now on, I suggest we not bother to click on any link or open any newspaper unless the headline involves one or more of the following:

• Aliens   (From planet besides Earth.  Photos and video not sufficient.  Actual alien must be produced.)
• Elves   (Live, non-Keebler variety, with hair at least as pretty as Orlando Bloom’s in Lord of the Rings.)
• Robots from space   (preferably with intent to take over the planet)
• Spontaneous combustion   (must be able to self-ignite upon request)
• Invisibility   (of politician, in front of live audience.  Reappearance not required)

Who’s gay and who’s sleeping around?  Please.  We’ve been talking about that since high school.  If we can’t rid our politicians of this obsessive need for attention, we can least demand more interesting events from them in order to supply it.

Of course, if one of them could actually produce a growing economy and affordable health care for everyone, that would get them a fair amount of notice.  Maybe even more than the elves…though not more than aliens.  Nothing outranks aliens.

Kimberly has empathy for people with a need for attention.  She suffers from a mild case herself.

Tags: Anthony Weiner, Arnold Schwarzenegger, attention, Eliot Spitzer, Gary Hart, John Edwards, scandal