Kimberly’s Most Wanted
Jul 6th, 2009 by Kimberly
It was an ordinary day. Just another Monday afternoon. Happy to have the work day over, I walked innocently to my mailbox and extracted the contents. An Auto Club magazine that I wouldn’t read, an ad from a charity, a letter from the City of Covina Police Department…yes, lying there innocently amongst the rest of the usual suspects in the box was an envelope bearing a return address to raise all my hackles. The City of Covina? Yes, I spent my high school years there, but I don’t go back much. What could they want with me now? I opened the letter, hoping I was mistaken in my immediate guess about the contents, but no, I was right. It was a traffic ticket. How? I hadn’t been to the city in months – probably close to a year, back when my best friend and I went to visit her mom. Sure, I could have inadvertently run a yellow light, but did it really take them ten months or so to get around to sending the ticket?
No, in point of fact, it didn’t, because once the shock wore off, I took a look at the incriminating photo and noticed something: I wasn’t the one driving the car. Trying to explain this, I wondered if there were somewhere an extremely polite car thief who stole my car, took a joyride to Covina (?!?) and returned the vehicle to my driveway, locking it behind him. But no, a closer look told me that this wasn’t my car, either. The O on my license plate looked suspiciously smaller than the letters next to it. There was a glare on the picture, but I was pretty sure this one wasn’t an O, it was a Q. The Covina Police Department had sent the notice to the wrong person.
After I calmed down, I made a decision. Since the police can send me a ticket for an infraction that has nothing to do with me, it seems only just that I be able to issue tickets for infractions that have nothing to do with the police. So, in the name of full disclosure, here is the list of people I’m planning to fine.
1. My neighbor, who insists on warming up her car every morning. I know she’s only 22 and probably just learned how to turn the car on, but still. We live in Southern California. It’s a desert. There is no need to warm up anything. If you don’t believe me, check with the guys on Car Talk. You only need to warm up your car if the temperature is below 20°. This is Los Angeles. It never gets below 20°. Put your car in gear and go if you’re going, or else turn the car off and go back inside. FINE: $10,000 per minute, or one dollar for each carbon dioxide molecule this girl has released into my air, whichever is greater.
2. Every person I’ve ever known who is incapable of making a decision about where to go to dinner, but greets all suggestions with, “No, I don’t want to go there.” If you can’t come up with an idea of your own, you forfeit the right to an opinion. FINE: One meal of liver and onions for every time the phrase is uttered. Meal must be eaten with my grandmother, who enjoys liver and onions and will glare frostily at any criticism of the meal.
3. Any person who insists on standing 6 inches away from me in a line, even if I do know you. (Maybe especially if I know you.) Three feet of personal space, people. We get little enough room in the city without giving that up. FINE: One hour in a stuffed-full, unmoving elevator for each infraction. You want togetherness? You got it.
4. Anyone using a machine to blow leaves out of their own yard. I frequently walk the 2.7 miles home from work, and I pass one of these obnoxious machines on almost every journey. These annoying appliances simultaneously waste energy, irritate the backs of the wearers, and add extra dirt and dust to the air. Like I don’t have enough sinus problems already. There is an alternative, people – it’s called a broom. FINE: One day sweeping every yard on your block for each use of the machine.
Of course, before I get to feeling too superior, there’s always the last one on the list:
5. People who have plenty of faults of their own and have no patience with the foibles of others. FINE: The knowledge that every time you complain, anyone listening to you will be making a mental list of all your imperfections.
Hmm. Suddenly I feel much more forgiving toward the Covina Police Department.
I can’t wait to hear the rest of this one! I’m positive it won’t be as simple as a phone call to someone who says, “You are absolutely right! We’ll get that removed from your record and send the ticket to the correct person by the end of the day!”
I’m with you on numbers 1, 2, and 3, but you are dreaming on #4. Once we get a taste of using a machine instead of manual labor, there is no going back, even if it would be quieter and easier on the sinuses.
P.S. Glad to see you on Facebook! You need to start hunting mice with the rest of us!!
Why don’t you leave an anonymous note for the car warmer. Tell her to check with Car Talk. Also remind her she will be saving money on her gas bill.
This just in – I’m off the hook for the ticket. I called the Covina Police Department a few weeks ago to explain the situation. They said they’d look into it and call me back. When I called today, they said the ticket had been dismissed. Supposedly, they called me back but my line was busy. Not sure why they didn’t leave a message, or better yet send me a letter saying that the violation was removed from my record, but the important part is, I don’t have to pay the ticket! Hooray!