Today, she had to have some teeth pulled because I am the worst kitty guardian in the world and have not taken her in often enough to get her teeth cleaned. She had to have an ultrasound because she’s lost weight and I don’t know why. She does not enjoy the vet’s office for regular checkups, much less procedures where she has to get anesthetic, a catheter and a shaved belly. Since she came home, she’s gnawed at the bandage on her leg and pawed at the cabinet where I keep the cat food. She has blood on the edges of her mouth. Her left eye sags a little bit when she looks at me.
So of course, I came home and said, “I WANT TO WRITE! I AM BRILLIANT!”
Save your laughter for later. Of course, I came home, saw the blood on her mouth, burst into tears and felt like a failure at everything.
Writing is funny that way. Everything that happened today will fuel my writing at some point. Some times when I have horrible days, I can’t get to the computer fast enough. I want to pour the words on to the screen so they stop stabbing the inside of my heart. Other times, like today, I feel like I should probably never write again. I didn’t take my cat in to get her teeth cleaned every year, both because I couldn’t afford it and because I worried about the effect of the anesthesia on her increasingly littler body. Apparently, however, I made the wrong choice and now my cat is suffering for it. If I was wrong about that, how can I ever trust myself to get anything right again?
These are the thoughts that plague me, the insecurities that gnaw at my soul, that still my fingers when I approach the keyboard. These are the thoughts I have to get past to get where I want to go. How do I deal?
Only one thing to do – stop worrying about getting it right. This is the hardest thing in the world for me. I did well in school. I hate screwing up. I like being right. But writing isn’t about right or wrong. It’s about people and how we experience things. Your readers need to know that you understand what screwing up is like.
And nothing shows that like getting it wrong once in a while.
Kimberly caved and fed the cat five minutes early. It was the right choice.